Everyday is a struggle, between what I want to say and what I should keep to myself...

Sometimes eating homemade nachos, drinking Sunkist, and listening to some depressing music really can make you feel better. It definitely should not become a habit, but I do think it helps.

I'm at this really weird part of my life, where I don't know much about anything anymore.
I have no clue what I want to do with my life, or even if health science is the major for me. Heck, I can't even make it through Biology, how do I expect to make it through Microbiology and Anatomy and Physiology? I love criminal justice stuff, but what can you do with a degree in Criminal Justice?
Columbus is frustrating, and the people I thought I knew and thought I was on the same page with are turning out to be a little bit different that I planned.
Home is just sad, and when I go home I cry all the time. We all cry, all the time. Dad's gone and isn't coming back. That's evident because his stuff is all gone; his clothes, his books, his magazines. It's hard, being home. Cause it's not really like home. Mom walks around crying, Matt rarely graces Mom and Sarah with his presence, and Sarah pretty much lives with her friend Katherine. And it's hard, going home and acting like it's normal. It's not, at least not for me. I can't even talk to Dad without crying and being so damn emotional. And it's just hard, and I honestly thought I'd be doing better by now, but I'm not. And I'm not really sure what to do.
I got to go to the Winterguard competition on Saturday, and it was so nice seeing all of those people. Katie, Smoie, Katie Brooks, Sarah Whitmire, and Lindsay Connor; I had forgotten how much fun we'd all have together. I've helped with Spain Park, Katie's guard, and my work is in their show and stuff. Smoie has her own guard, and it seems like our dreams of instructing guards is becoming a reality. Spain Park did fabulous, and Brookwood was the best I've ever seen. And I miss it, I really do. Being there made me want to do DCI this summer, and watching Phantom Regiment made me consider auditionaing for JSU or something next winter. Which is epic for me- I didn't even like winterguard when I did it. For a period of about 3 hours I had myself convinced that I was going to JSU this weekend to audition for Spirit, but I realized I don't have that money, and as much as I'd love to spend my summer traveling and performing, I just can't. I think it's just one of those emotions I tend to feel when I get stressed and frustrated--wanting to make some sort of drastic change. I just can't though.
So I suppose that's been my life in a nutshell. I cry a lot, contemplate different changes I can make in my life a lot, and I feel sorry for myself way more than I should. But it has to get better, right? I know God will push me through this, and He has never failed me before. But that doesn't make this any easier. My life is kind of just falling apart in front of me, and I feel powerless and helpless. I'm angry, sometimes so angry that I can't even cry. I get frustrated a lot, to the point I can't even stand mysef. But I know God's holding my hand through it all, but my heart just hurts. I hate being home and I hate being in Columbus, and I'm not really sure where I fit in in this world. And if one more person tells me that it can't get any worse, I'm going to hit them. Cause the truth is, I'm bitter, angry, sad, and really hurting. And I honestly have no idea what compelled me to write this down in an online blog, but maybe, just maybe, someone will read it and be able to help me. Or maybe, most likely, I'll just feel better cause I showed some sort of emotion to people about the whole thing. Well, here it is. Emotion.