I say a little prayer for you....

Here's a text message exchange between me and my mom, who is Pheonix, Arizona on business this week. She refers to it at "The Armpit of Hell" because it's so hot. I, however, really like it out there and plan on living there at some point in my life.

Me: I hope you hare having a nice time in The Armpit of Hell!

Mom: Actually, it is only 91 degrees here today!

Me: Seriously? It is hotter here in Columbus!

Mom: Well, it would make sense that hell has two armpits!!

me: HAHAHA!!!

She's gotten better at texting, and I'm so glad it brings humor into my life!

In other news, my cousins Haley and Kasey and my sister Sarah are coming to spend the night with me tonight! I am really excited!

I got into a bad car accident last week, and my car is completetly totalled. It was my fault, but I didn't get cited for it, which was a plus. So, this weekend will be dedicated to car shopping. It's weird, I really hadn't planned on this car being wrecked. I thought it would be the one that would get me through college, and the next car I would purchase would be MY own car, which I purchased with MY own money. It's just weird. The airbag deployed and burned and scratched my arms, and it knocked the wind out of me on impact. It was so scary, and something I'd really prefer to never relive. Ugh.

Oh, and I'm a terrible Cranium player.

I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness...

---The Fray.

Today, I had a defining moment. You know, one of those that stay with you no matter where life takes you. It was a good moment. Lately those moments haven't been good. They've been the kind that come to me and say "Who are you kidding, you don't have a soul mate. You're destined to live the rest of your life alone". So uplifting, I know. But today, I had a good defining moment.

I've been searching for the perfect shelves since I moved into this apartment. I've looked everywhere, I swear. In Columbus, in Snellville, and even in places in between. So, I went back to Staples today, and discovered that not only did they have my dream shelves, but they were in stock! It was obviously going to be a good day. So I pick out the lucky shelves who get to live in my super cute room for the next year or so, and ask the kind Staples worker to help me take it up to the check out desk. (Which, by the way, was so swarmed with elementary tots, that I am seriously considering adopting a baby, giving it away, then befriending it after it's grown out of that awkward 10 years.) He helps me to the desk, and then had to help me to my car because this shelf set was so very big. After sweating and working for 15 minutes, we got the thing into my car. (And another plus, I learned how to put the seats down in my car! What a day!) As I was pulling away, it dawned on me..... how in the world was I supposed to get this 6 foot, 50 pound set of wooden shelves (not assembled) OUT of my car, and INTO my apartment? I'm a single girl, so no boyfriend. I don't know anyone in my complex, so no calling people to help. Roommate was at work, so I was just stuck. So, my genius neurons started pumping even more genius synapses and I came up with a solution. I opened the box, and took in a few pieces at a time. And seriously, those were heavy too. And I'm a pretty strong girl. However, my brains trumped my physical capabilities today!

So what, you ask, was my defining moment? I'm so freakin independent, it isn't funny. As I was carrying in my shelves, assembling them, and then decorating them, it dawned on me. If I'm single for the rest of my life, I am going to be perfectly fine. God tells me everyday, through different situations, people, and by just speaking to me, that I am so capable of living on my own. My plant keeping skills may need some work, but generally I'm good at taking care of myself and those under my care. So, my defining moment. I have the assurance that if I am to be single (unmarried), for the rest of my life, I am going to be just fine. I have brains in my head and feet in my shoes, and a God who loves me so much that He whispers encouraging words in my ear everyday to keep my chin up and my head held high.

So, yay me. Just call me Rachel Freakin-Independent Weber. I love defining moments!

So, tell me something good....

Seriously, I love The Rocket Summer.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life is different than other people my age. I've always been a little bit more mature, maybe it's cause I'm older cause I have a September birthday, or cause I always hung out with the older kids. But for whatever reason, I've always been a little bit ahead of my time. Take now, for instance. I'm enrolled in 10 hours of summer classes (which are not easy, whatever anyone tells you), and I've been working 20+ hour weeks at The Hughston Clinic. I don't know many people who voluntarily take summer classes after their freshman year. But for some reason, I'm just driven to do well, and get out. The track I'm on now will get me out of school in 3 or 3.5 years. And my job. I don't know anyone else who has a business job like I do. At least not anyone my age. And it's weird- I LIKE my job. I seem to say that about any job I've had, but it's the truth. I have so much responsibility, it's a little bit ridiculous, but I love it.

And I've always had a job. As soon as I turned 16, I got a job at Chickfila. Maybe it's because my mom and dad paid their own way through college, but they have always instilled in me the need to work for one's own self. And by that I mean one's life. True, I don't pay my rent or tuition, but I pretty much cover everything else. And I actually enjoy having a job, because I like supporting myself. I absolutely hate asking my parents for money. A job is just something that has always been important to me.

And sometimes I get jealous of my friends who get to go be camp counselors for the summer, or spin on a DCI colorguard for the entire summer. Or even get to lay out and get a tan everyday by the pool. But then I remember what I'm doing. I'm getting my schooling done quick, and I'm making money for myself. I'm building a resume, and gaining experience in the health care field. So, sometimes I get jealous that I've launched myself into this grown up, coorporate world, when my friends are hanging out and experiencing new things. But, I'm also really proud of myself. I have a steady job. I'm on track to graduate early. I support myself. And I'm an independant woman. Yay, me!

Alright, I think I just needed to justify why I have hardl any friends and zero social life. But, dammit, I'm getting out of Columbus as soon as possible!

You're it, you're the ultimate...

So, I found this wonderful song that I really like. The lyrics are cute, and kind of explain how I feel right now.

You’re it, you’re the ultimate
It’s automatic I’m sure of it
No lies, so don’t even try to tell me that you’re not the guy
Cause I’ve been waiting all my life for someone like you
But you’re it you’re the ultimate you.

You’re the kinda guy whose hand in mine sends shivers up and down my spine
You took my heart and put it back together again
You’re the kinda guy that blows my mind but now it’s my turn
You’ve been right in front of me-
Everything I need
Why didn’t I see…

I've been singing this song at the top of my lungs while driving for at least 3 days now. When I finally look up the lyrics, I find information that pretty much shatters the song for me.

It's by Lindsay Lohan.

I bet it's not quite as good to you either, now, is it?


In other news, I lost my spot in the About Me section. I had a good cry over that one, but it's just a brick wall I can't beat my head on any longer. Funny thing is...I've been telling myself that for weeks. Hah, actually months, now. A little bit of me will always hold onto that hope that friendship can be rekindled and mistakes can be forgiven. But in all honesty? I don't think it's going to happen. But I can wish, right?

And for someone who doesn't really have much faith in relationships, right now, I sure do want one. Haha. too bad he's emotionally bruised right now. Maybe in the future. But it's been so much fun spending time with someone who knows me, and at one time knew me better than I knew myself. Ugh, I really need to find different thoughts to consume me.

Well I'm just full of hope tonight, aren't I? In two areas that I think I am only going to be let down.

In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
Cause when I see you, it's like I'm starring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
Still I see you
--Third Eye Blind

I convinced myself that over don't mean over...

I convinced myself that I could fix it all..
Hey wait hey don't you know that this is where the whole thing went wrong
Hey wait hey don't you wanna hear what I have to say
Hey wait hey don't you know that this is where the strong go on

--All I Ever Wanted, Train


Such a good song. It doesn't really have much signifigance in my life right now, it just came up on random on my iTunes when i opened the new post box.

So, I am one of the official, rent paying, residents of The Lakes! It was a crazy weekend, moving stuff from Snellville down to Columbus, then moving stuff from Hunter's Run over to The Lakes. Dad and Matt did the heavy lifting for me and the assemblance of my bed and desk, which I am so greatful for! Mom and Aunt Shari came down on Saturday and we did the fun stuff, like purchasing curtains and a TV stand, and the little things. We ate a fabulous dinner at Cheddar's, and I think I may still be full! But overall, I think it was very successful. I love my new apartment, it's so cute, and I just adore The Lakes community!

There really is no other news. I visited a church here in Columbus this weekend and I thoroughly enjoyed it. And a huge, giant thank you to Jason, cause he invited me to go with him. And if he wouldn't of asked, I can promise you I would not have gone on my own. But I am so glad I went, and God made it clear to me that though I may have a personal relationship with Him that is really good, fellowship with other Christians is critical for my relationship with Him. So, I got a new apartment, some catch-up time with Jason, and a renewed sense of my faith. Hopefully I can keep up with all 3!

I got sucked into a marathon of Jon and Kate Plus Eight tonight. It's the show on TLC where the couple has a set of twin girls, then a few years later they have sextuplets, yes, SIX babies. All at the same time. Imagine that... 6 babies running around, all with messy diapers and hungry bellies. I just might die. However, when their lives are documented in a marathon on TLC, I love watching their lives! I swear I am not creepy....if it's on TV, it's perfectly legit.

Alright, I am off to bed. It's another week of class from 9.20-10.50, then lunch, then work until who knows when. Then maybe sometime hanging out with a friend? We will see!

A snipet of my life

Here's a bit of text message correspondence between me and my sister, Sarah, today.

Me: Just a little bit ago, I saw a cute white boy when I was pulling out of my GHETTO apartment complex! I then proceeded to annihalate the curb on my way out. Real cute, Rachel.

Sarah: Hahaha, that's my girl. So would you have a chance to talk to him ever?

Me: Nope, I move out in 2 days!

Sarah: Poo. Well at least you didn't run over one of his appendages!

Me: Yes, not running over a cute boy's appendages is always a plus....




I love our humor... I'd probably have the coldest and most bitter heart if I didn't have my family to cheer me up.

I never thought I'd witness myself say this, but....

...I think I like cats?

Tonight, I decided I'd end my sit-on-my-butt-as-long-as-possible streak, and go run. So after work, I got on my running clothes and my super-cute pink running shoes (seriously, who wouldn't want to take up running after they saw these cuties?), and I made my way to Cooper Creek Park. After sweating and panting and trotting (no, what I performed tonight was by no means considered a 'run', and anyone who witnessed what I did would completely agree with me), I come across this itty-bitty kitty cat. Now, if you know me, you know I'm not the biggest fan of cats. And by that, I mean I pretty much hate them. But who can resist an adorable kitty? After I run off the cute boy who was petting it (probably with the buckets I was sweating and a stench that could have knocked out even the toughest of schnozzes), I walk up to it and it immediately begins purring and wanting it's head scratched. I was in awe.....It liked me! The compassionate person I am (no, really, I am! I think...) knew it wasn't right for that itty-bitty kitty to be outside without any identification on it, and no owner in sight. So I park my nasty, sweaty, and smelly self (to be honest, I really don't think she cared!) on the grass with the kitten, and we played for about 20 minutes. And during that time, I contemplated what to do with the adorable creature. If I was at home, there would have been no question about it, I would have taken it home with me. But since I'm here in Columbus, and living in someone elses apartment, there would be no way I could keep it. But thoughts like keeping it for the night and taking it to the humane society in the morning, or dumping it at someone elses's apartment while I find it a home, all of those crossed my mind. Meanwhile, I asked everyone who passed if they wanted a cute, adorable, and friendly kitty, because she was obviously not supposed to be out here, and it was getting dark. And after about the 10th person passed and shook their head at me (and in their head they were thinking "You silly girl, what idiot would want a cat without being forced or tricked into it?"), I just said a prayer to God, asking Him to provide a way for this kitty, and if that way would give me a peace of mind, that would be wonderful. (I somehow always make it about me, don't I?) And what would you know, the next couple I asked said they'd love a kitty, but would need to make some arrangements first. They both got on their cell phones, asking around for supplies and permission (hey, gaining a cat when you go to the park thinking you are going to shed a few pounds can't be easy). I clear it with them that they are going to take care of it, and they said definitely. Thus, our God pulls through yet again. And I got my exercise, a kitty got a home, and God is just awesome.

So I think I have to like cats now. I mean, I do like cat's now. Weird, isn' it. I've been reading a lot of flirty girly novels lately, you know, the ones about the 20-something year old's who work for PR firms, live in New York City, and hook-up with a different (but ALWAYS attractive) guy every night, and they all seem to have a cat, if not multiples. And the way I'm going right now, I'll be single for a while, and I might as well have some company in my super cute apartment (wherever it is, but I know for certain it's going to be way cute). So, yay me, I like cats!

Tan-orexia, The OC, and really big spiders

Writing an actual blog is not a frequent occurance for me, so when I write one, I usually take a day or so to think about it. I just finished reading Bright Lights, Big Ass by Jen Lancaster, who is the author of Bitter is the New Black as well. And, let me tell you, I adore these two books. The books are based off of the author's blog, found here. This woman has the most amazing sense of humor, and I laughed the whole way through both books. So, naturally, her works have inspired me to keep up with my own blog, which has wasted away into a huge, angsty, Rachel pity party. Which no one, even yours truly, wants to read. So, no promises, but I'll try to work on the depressing posts. It's time for a new leaf.

Anyways, my point being that I've taken quite a bit of time to think about this post. Like, all day. Since I've spent quite a bit of time contemplating how I'm going to reel in my audience (that's you!), I decided I'd grab a juice pouch and a bowl of Skittles (no, we don't know much about nutrition in our house), and get cozy while I turn my blog leaf over. As I'm stepping out into the garage to retrieve my Wild Cherry Capri Sun (my fave!), I come face to face with a huge, giant, hairy spider. After urinating in my pants a tad, I regain my poise and composure, and try to slip around her. I say it's a she, because the last huge spider that was in our garage, my dad smashed it with a newspaper roll, and about 200 (no exaggeration here, people) little spider babies dispurse themselves all over our garage. And since Karma is a bitch, I'm pretty positive that this spider is a direct descendent of the pregnant spider my father so kindly murdered. Understandably, she's quite angry that my relative killed hers. I skinny by her on my tiptoes, and proceed to the outside fridge. As I trun around to make the trek back across the garage to go back inside, I turn around, only to find our hairy orphaned friend. Yes, she followed me! So now, I'm backed into the corner. Then it hits me- I'm a 19 year old human being battling it out with a freakin' spider. Thus, I confidently hold up my Capri-Sun (normall it would be a wine cooler, but I haven't been able to replenish my stash since returning from vacation), and step over that darned spider. Rachel- 1, nasty, bitter spider- 0.

And I really think my infatuation with The OC should have died when the show went off the air. I mean, my desktop background is Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson, AKA Seth and Summer. And (sigh) they broke up in December 2006. And I seriously love Mischa Barton. But she was killed off in May of 2006. Sad, I know. Seriously, time for a new show, Rachel. But it's so good. I should try to bring it back..... Who's up for helping?!

I've become a bit of a tan-orexic this summer. I just can seem to get enough sun. Problem? Yes.

Alright, I'm off to finish off season 3 of my OC DVD's.

Peace, love, and Skittles, bitches!

"If the whole wide world is on your back, and the strength you need is the strength you lack..."

I love that song! It's by Matthew West, and it's on my MySpace if you want to listen to it.

I took advantage of Matt's Limewire account while I was at home this weekend, and I found a bunch of songs I've just fallen in love with! Here's some of my favorite parts.

If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the whys
'Cause you're too tired to reach that high
I want you to remember
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting
Where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
-Matthew West, You Know Where to Find Me

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
-Pink, U and Ur Hand

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for ME too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
-Matthew West, More

Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

Picked up my kid from school today
”Did you learn anything?”
Cause in the world today
You can't live in a castle far away

Now talk to me, come talk to me
He said, "Dad, I'm big but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me”

And Hey Dad
Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

I said, "Son for all I've told you
When you get right down to the
Reason for the world...
Who am I?

"There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see"
He said, “You’re looking for a clue… I Love You free... "

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me
Something comes over me
I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely

Here's a riddle for you
Find the Answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...
-Five for Fighting, A Riddle (You and I)

I hope you know, I hope you know

That this has nothing to do with you

It's personal, Myself and I

We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But Ive got to get a move on with my life

Its time to be a big girl now

And big girls don't cry

-Fergie, Big Girls Don't Cry

Forgive me if I look so lonely...It's not that bad.

Augustana is my new musical love. Love, love, LOVE.

So I went to Arizona. And I'm ready to move there. ASAP. And the sad part, I'm completely serious and would love nothing more than for my mom to move out there for her job, and I follow. I know it's the desert and I'm crazy, but we all have our quirks, right? It was so pretty, and warm, and NOT humid. I liked it. A lot.

But for now I'm stuck, here, in Georgia. I do know more about what I want to do with my life though. After getting my degree from CSU in Health Science, I want to go to a graduate school, preferably out west. (That's negotiable though. I'd love to settle down out west, but for now, I'm still trying my options.) I want to specialize in Maternal and Child health, and do a "sub-specialty" (I'm pretty much making these words up as I go. They sound somewhat professional though, agreed?) in International Health. That way, I get all the credentials I've been thinking about for the last few months. Women's Health, and International Health. I don't really know why, but I get so excited thinking about and talking about my educational future. I've never been gung-ho for school, but stuff I'm interested in makes me feel like a bit of a school-aholic. Yeah, I didn't see it coming either.

So far my summer has gone really well. I came home from CSU, went to Arizona for a week, and now I'm trying to get Maymester finished up. Here's my summer schedule:

May
7-11: Phoenix/Scottsdale, Arizona with my Mom
24-28: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina with my Dad and sister

June
4-last day of Maymester
5-9: Florida with Mom, Sarah, Matt, and the Eberharts
20: first day of Summer term

And then after that, I have no clue. My summer has just fallen neatly into place within the last few weeks, so my hope is that the rest of my summer with just come together as well. I know I've been really blessed with things just working out for me, but I have faith that God will put me in the right places when He sees fit.

And so far, the summer I've had has been really successfull. I've read a total of 3 novels, and I'm on my fourth. I love reading for pleasure. The craziness and go-go-go mentality of regular semesters seem to make me forget how much I love reading for myself. I was always a book worm in elementary and middle schools, but when the real loads of work hit in high school, pleasure reading got put on hold. I suppose these breif periods of time that I do have make me enjoy novels even more. Yay reading!

My communications class is going well, other than the fact that I could either a.) barf, b.) hyperventilate, or c.) bolt out the door in tears, upon walking into the classroom. It's public speaking, and that alone gives me butterflies. I don't like people. I don't enjoy talking in fronto of them, especially when there is no feedback involved. But it's supposed to be 50% online, but my instructor chucked that part. So I got 3 nights a week, and only for 2 hours each. Once again, God looks out for me. Big time.

Alright, I am going to get some sleep. I forgot that half of my house is still in high school, so when they got up and took over the kids bathroom (thats what we call it, because all 3 of us share one bathroom, with one sink, and one toilet. Not going to lie...Its rough sometimes), this morning at 5.30, I was a little angry. Not to mention, my room is right next to the bathroom, so I could hear every cabinet door being closed, shampoo bottle being dropped, and each time sarah rung out her hair. And I'm a really hard sleeper, so they really made a lot of racket in there. Oh well, I'll just have to sleep harder!

Goodnight, loves!
(all 3 of you who *might* still read this...)

I don't have a clever title...so get over it

Well, I was told to update this. I don't really have much to update. School blows right now, especially the research paper, regular paper, and 2 finals that I need to take. But as of Friday I'm finished with this semester. Then on Monday, May 7th, I'm flying to Scottsdale, Arizona to tag along on my mom's business trip. It's May 7th-11th, and you have no idea how excited I am about it! We are staying in the Resort Suites, and I'm not really sure what that means, but it sounds really fancy! I'm going to lay out by the pool and get a tan, and read books, and catch up on all the celebrity gossip I've missed these past few weeks.
Then May 14th Maymester starts, and I'll have class from 6-8 Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesdays until June 1st. I think I'm just going to go home on Wednesday nights, cause I really have no reason to be in Columbus. One reason I thought I had dropped me like a hot potatoe.....his loss. I've cleared it with my boss, and I'll just work Mon-Wed.
Then I'm taking 2 classes during June term, which means class 9-12 everyday, and work a few days a week. No one will be in Columbus, so maybe I'll do really well in school? Or I'll just be bored out of my mind. Probably the latter.
It's weird, I have trouble believing freshman year is pretty much over. Maybe I'm just really sentimental and weird, but I don't even know where all the time went. I'm kinda not ready for everyone to go home for the summer. But what can you do?
I came home, back to Snellville, this weekend. It's been rough; it's always rough coming home. But I had a really good conversation with my mom, about the things that are really eating at me. There's the obvious-her and my dad divorcing. The papers have been filed and it's just a matter of time. She's alright-hanging in there. We talked about my Grama alot, her past and some stories and stuff. And boys. And I'm just so frustrated with males, and I'm bitter, and angry. And I don't have influential men in my life. Seriously, my dad left, C4C is completely segregated, and I thought I was seeing someone, and I think he bailed but forgot to tell me? Story of my life. So, my prayer for myself is to lose the bitterness, cause it takes up way too much space. After our conversation, my mom went into the church and saw a quote that said "Without change, there would be no butterflies". True, it was a quote from one of the preschool walls, but still, maybe it's something.
I'm going back to Columbus tomorrow, knowing that I need an attitude adjustment. I didn't say my attitude will be better-but I'm aware some things need to be changed.
Goodnight!

So, no one told you life was gonna be this way?

I've discovered Friends. Its become a really bad problem. And I L-O-V-E it!

Life's been a little rough the past few months. After a long few months of lots of problems, my Grama passed away on March 18th. Ever since November, she's been in and out of the hospital and rehab facilities for repiratory prblems. I suppose her body just gave out. She passed away in Hospice, so she was comfortable. And the funeral service was beautiful. It was a pretty spring day, and I know that's the only way she would have wanted it. And I haven't been very emotional about it. I think it's because I'm so excited for her. Now, she gets to be with my Grampa in heaven, with all of their pets, and they are young and beautiful again. To me, thats beautiful. And she doesn't have breathing problems and he isnt paralyzed from his stroke. It's beautiful. I got to speak at her funeral for about 10 minutes, and it really was beautiful. She wouldn't have had it any other way.
But I do cry. A lot, actually. But when I cry, it usually isn't for myself or the fact that shes gone. It's for my mom. I cannot imagine how she feels about now. Her husband left her, and now the one person who was a lot of her support and the person who is always supposed to be there for you, her mother, passed away. She's 47 and without any parents or a husband, and in 5 months only Sarah will be at home. I just cry for her. But she's also the strongest person I know. Whenever we talk about what all is going on, which is quite often, she just keeps telling me that God really is all you need in this world. And I've come to see that. But still, it makes my heart hurt.

But I think things are looking up now. I mean, they have to, right? I know that having God is everything. If you have God, you have everything you'll ever need in life. And thank you for the prayers. It really has meant a lot to me. Have a great week!

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" --Gandhi

I tried to think of a song lyric that's stuck in my head, but all I can think of is Fall Out Boy, Dance Dance. And that's really not exciting. So, the Gandhi quote is one I have on my wall at school and at home, and at the bottom of my emails. It means a lot to me.

Not a whole bunch has happened in the last month. The weather is getting nicer and warmer, and I think it's warming up my bitter heart a bit. Well, maybe somedays it's warmer than others, but it's still getting to be prettier and prettier every day and I LOVE it. Because if you know me at all, I loathe winter and the cold.

The OC ended on last Thursday and I can honestly say a part of my heart is gone. I think a part of me belongs to Dawsons and The OC, and life without shows like that just wouldn't be the same. So, thank goodness for DVD sets :)

My summer plans are beginning to fall neatly into place. I have my job, which is basically amazing. It pays well, has flexible hours, and I get to dress cute. I just do secretarial work, which really isn't that bad, compared to 3 years of long hours on my feet at Chick-fil-a. I'm going to take one May class, go to Florida for a week with my family, then take two classes during June term. I get to move into my apartment, The Lakes, with Jessica and Verice in the beginning of July. It's really nice and I'm very excited about it. Until then I'll just stay on campus.

I gave up Facebook for Lent, which is proving to be as difficult as I thought. I didn't realize that whenever I got bored, I'd just login to Facebook. It seems its just a reflex whenever I try to type in a website. How sad is that. So, I'm glad I gave it up. And after the withdrawals subside, i think my life will be a little bit better, because my hours won't be wasted stalking people. Hah!

Alright, have a good week and a safe Spring Break!

Everyday is a struggle, between what I want to say and what I should keep to myself...

Sometimes eating homemade nachos, drinking Sunkist, and listening to some depressing music really can make you feel better. It definitely should not become a habit, but I do think it helps.

I'm at this really weird part of my life, where I don't know much about anything anymore.
I have no clue what I want to do with my life, or even if health science is the major for me. Heck, I can't even make it through Biology, how do I expect to make it through Microbiology and Anatomy and Physiology? I love criminal justice stuff, but what can you do with a degree in Criminal Justice?
Columbus is frustrating, and the people I thought I knew and thought I was on the same page with are turning out to be a little bit different that I planned.
Home is just sad, and when I go home I cry all the time. We all cry, all the time. Dad's gone and isn't coming back. That's evident because his stuff is all gone; his clothes, his books, his magazines. It's hard, being home. Cause it's not really like home. Mom walks around crying, Matt rarely graces Mom and Sarah with his presence, and Sarah pretty much lives with her friend Katherine. And it's hard, going home and acting like it's normal. It's not, at least not for me. I can't even talk to Dad without crying and being so damn emotional. And it's just hard, and I honestly thought I'd be doing better by now, but I'm not. And I'm not really sure what to do.
I got to go to the Winterguard competition on Saturday, and it was so nice seeing all of those people. Katie, Smoie, Katie Brooks, Sarah Whitmire, and Lindsay Connor; I had forgotten how much fun we'd all have together. I've helped with Spain Park, Katie's guard, and my work is in their show and stuff. Smoie has her own guard, and it seems like our dreams of instructing guards is becoming a reality. Spain Park did fabulous, and Brookwood was the best I've ever seen. And I miss it, I really do. Being there made me want to do DCI this summer, and watching Phantom Regiment made me consider auditionaing for JSU or something next winter. Which is epic for me- I didn't even like winterguard when I did it. For a period of about 3 hours I had myself convinced that I was going to JSU this weekend to audition for Spirit, but I realized I don't have that money, and as much as I'd love to spend my summer traveling and performing, I just can't. I think it's just one of those emotions I tend to feel when I get stressed and frustrated--wanting to make some sort of drastic change. I just can't though.
So I suppose that's been my life in a nutshell. I cry a lot, contemplate different changes I can make in my life a lot, and I feel sorry for myself way more than I should. But it has to get better, right? I know God will push me through this, and He has never failed me before. But that doesn't make this any easier. My life is kind of just falling apart in front of me, and I feel powerless and helpless. I'm angry, sometimes so angry that I can't even cry. I get frustrated a lot, to the point I can't even stand mysef. But I know God's holding my hand through it all, but my heart just hurts. I hate being home and I hate being in Columbus, and I'm not really sure where I fit in in this world. And if one more person tells me that it can't get any worse, I'm going to hit them. Cause the truth is, I'm bitter, angry, sad, and really hurting. And I honestly have no idea what compelled me to write this down in an online blog, but maybe, just maybe, someone will read it and be able to help me. Or maybe, most likely, I'll just feel better cause I showed some sort of emotion to people about the whole thing. Well, here it is. Emotion.