Raise a glass and tell some lies--I was almost honest

I've spent hours upon hours trying to find some sort of quote or song lyric to describe my life and how I've been feeling these past few weeks and months. And I've found a few, but nothing that seems close to acurate. I've had this thing for a while about putting information out on the interenet and how it's just not a good idea, but lately I'm understanding that it's my perogative what I share with people over the world wide web. So here it is, the part of my life I'm willing to share with everyone.

My heart hurts. My mom said it best, it feels like my heart is breaking in so many differnt ways and for so many different reasons. If you're reading this you know the major reasons, and I'm still really not handeling everything very well at all. I spend a good deal of time crying and hurting for my parents, mostly my mom. My dad has pretty much left her, and my Grama is pretty sick in the hospital. Work is bearing down hard, and on top of everything she's playing the part of a single mom in a house she's really not able to care for on her own. Its hard, and as her children we're stuck in between all of it. It hurts, it's hard, and I don't know how to deal with it all. And I feel guilty because I get to leave for weeks on end and not have to deal with any of this, but when I come home it all hits me like a ton of bricks. And everytime I come home, it seems just as hard, if not harder than the time before.

I've grown so much in the area of friendship in the past 3 months. I broke up with the guy I had been dating for a couple months. I'm at a place in my life where a boyfriend isn't helpful, at least not in this case. I just need friends, supportive friends. Him living 100 miles away from Columbus was more of a burden and long distance relationships are hard. Ultimately, this is the right thing. My family needs me, and I need to get myself together before I can think about having a relationship. But I couldn't have asked for a better support system in Columbus. I have the best friends who would do most anything for me. I love them to death and feel so blessed to have them in my life.

I want change. For the good. I suppose some descisions I've made lately have been hasty, but something in my life has to change or else I'm going to be miserable. It's Christmas. And I want things that can't be bought.